Ode to the man who has stolen my heart…365 days and counting

How is that one can go 44 1/2 years not knowing a person and then that person becomes an invaluable part of your world?  Why do we let them in?  How do we get them out?

Do I continue to love a man who simply can’t love me the way I deserve to be loved or do I cut the cord and walk away and never look back?  At what point does the risk become too risky?  I’ve got a year invested in this.  Out of 45 years, that’s really not much.  But, I’m banking on a future.  So many, many more to come.  If I cut the cord, no future.  If I hang in there, I am hedging my bets something will evolve into a mutually beneficial and enduring relationship.

So many people have given me their advice.  Stay.  Go.  Run.  Don’t look back.  Fight for him.  Give him space.  Fuck him.  You deserve better.  Cut him off for a week and he will come begging back.  The games adults play in this dating world are absurd!  What is wrong with being completely honest with the person you are with?  Do I really have to play these ridiculous games to keep him?  Seriously?  Am I just afraid to be alone.  To be REALLY alone?  Just me alone with my thoughts?

The book, “Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus,” doesn’t apply to me.  I’m pretty sure I’m from Saturn…There’s this giant ring circumventing my head daily telling me how crazy I am…

Despite all the current circumstances, he is truly an amazing man.  A great father.  A hard working person.  A caring man.  A giving man.  A loving man.  A lover of everything outdoors.  A man with big, strong hands…(yes…I just said that!).  But the timing.  It’s just not there.  I’m forcing it.  I know it.  He knows it.

Patience.  Coming from someone needing constant stimulation, that isn’t exactly one of my better qualities.  I’m always in a hurry to get things done.   Why is sitting and just being so fucking difficult for me?  I forget to breathe sometimes…

Is life passing me by or am I passing it by?  Am I on the right track with him?  Do I stay or do I go?  All these rhetorical questions and no answers.  I suppose it’s better to have loved and given your all and lost than never have truly loved at all.  My heart is a giver.  And it’s been stolen from me.  Did I give it to the right man?  If not, how do I get it back….