Feeling Special in the “Spotlight”

spotlight-S_06902-PhotoCredit-KerryHayes-Distributor-OpenRoadFilms_rgb.0[1]Finally.

Sexual abuse of children is in the “Spotlight.”  Yes.  Pun intended.

Watch.  This.  Movie.

Any good movie should move you emotionally.  A great movie will bring you to tears.   “Spotlight” brought me to tears.  No.  I wasn’t abused by a priest.  I’m not even Catholic.  I grew up protestant.  I had my own religious hypocrisy shoved down my throat.  Both literally and figuratively. Read More

Are you uncomfortable yet?

No?

Well…then, I’m not doing my job. Being the baby of the family means you’ll do anything to get attention. Especially, in my case. I could not have been more ignored growing up. Other than the really special attention I received from my step father’s hands, mouth, and other parts that a nine year old should never see.

I was a cage poker then. I’m a cage poker now. Taking on the entire child porn industry will not be an easy task. But, I’m up for it. I’m one person with a voice, a laptop, and the passion to take it on. Head on. Tragically, child porn is a $3 Billion (yes, that’s a B not an M) industry. What’s even more tragic is the fact that it’s one of the fastest growing online businesses. Yes. You read that correctly. Whereas, the internet can skyrocket your funny youtube video that will give you your 5 minutes of fame, it’s also a wildfire of child porn that can’t be contained. My little blog with all its raw honesty can’t even put a dent in this magnanimous problem. This horrid reality we all face today. But, why should you care? Your kids are safe. You do your damnedest to protect them. As you should. This is somebody else’s problem, right? Read More

Jared, I can’t wait til you take it up the ass….

What a sick fuck!

Soooo…with his excellent experience of being a national spokesman, I’ve decided his new job should be the “National Spokesman for Pedophiles Who Now Take It Up The Ass”!

Yes, Jared, you will now be somebody’s bitch in prison. You will inevitably take it up the ass! I wonder what the Vegas odds are of your survival in prison. How will you like being somebody’s sex toy? How will you like having all your power taken away? How will you like it when he tells you to keep your mouth shut? How will you like it when he shoves his penis down your throat? How will you like it when he turns you over and tells you to take it? How will you like it when you feel powerless? How will you like it when you are forced to do unthinkable things? How will you like it when you are left crying without anyone to talk to about being raped? How will it feel to be raped over and over again? How will it feel when your human spirit is simply crushed? Read More

Orgasms…there’s a time and a place for them…

IMG_3098I’m a sexual woman…no…a sexual being. I’m in touch (pun intended) with myself. Not just my sexual self. But my emotional self. My mental self. My physical self. I know my body. I know how to express myself in many ways. I’m not one to hold back with my words nor am I one to hold back with my sexual self. I take care of my personal sexual needs. I enjoy it. There is absolutely nothing wrong it. And I’m not afraid to talk about it. It’s so important to know how your body reacts to certain stimuli and NOT be afraid to explore it. I’m pretty sure I give new meaning to the term “wet spot”. And, yes. I just went there.

They say the more orgasms you have, the longer the life you will live. It’s all about the blood flow. Getting that heart rate up! It’s good for the soul. The heart. The body. And the mind. Both the emotional and wise mind. I have no issue exercising my right as a woman. As a human being. To thoroughly enjoy yourself in a sexual way. Either alone or with the right partner. Being sexual is NORMAL and highly encouraged in the proper situation. If you don’t have a vibrator, get one. And don’t be afraid to use it. Sex is NOT dirty. And shouldn’t be. Even though I was introduced to it at such a young age, I don’t let that moment in time define me. I’m not afraid to be the woman I want to be in a sexual way. And I will not feel guilt nor shame because I simply enjoy sex.

However…

I can’t be this sexually crazed woman when my children are near. When I say near, I mean in the house with me at the same time. I’m just not going to go there. When my children are with me, I’m in mom mode which means crazy sexual Wanda does not exist. Some things just DON’T co-exist. Like sex and children. EVER!

This is what disturbs me. Tremendously. Fucking pedophiles. The lines are so blurred. They are constantly crossed. I simply don’t get it and I lived it. Wish it was one great big blur. But it isn’t. Luckily, I can separate the two. Sex and children. But others simply can’t. Or won’t.

This blog is about my journey as a survivor of childhood sexual abuse and the role hypocritical Christians played in it. I know all about my abuse and, yet, I can still have a healthy sex life. THANK GOD!

This blog isn’t about the journey of others. I haven’t walked in their shoes. I haven’t lived in their heads. I’m not their maker nor their judge but this whole Josh Duggar situation has me all up in arms! My feelings are all over the map. I don’t know all the facts but I saw where he admitted to the sexual abuse of his sisters. GROSS. And, when they were little girls. He was a teenager. He owned up only AFTER some magazine recently found the police report from 2002. How convenient. His parents said he made a mistake that caused a tremendous pain for the family. Paulo Coehlo, author of “The Alchemist,” said, “Mistakes made more than once are decisions.” The least his parents could do was admit to them being decisions on his part. But, hey, this whole thing brought the family closer to God.

I have news for you.

God may have walked on water but he CANNOT cure pedophilia. I hope his sisters are able to get help. Real help. There is no fucking way I would let my children around him. It’s our job as parents to protect our children from pedophiles. ESPECIALLY known pedophiles. Or, hell, just sweep it under the rug and hope it goes away. Pedophilia doesn’t go away. Many women don’t really ever get over the abuse. They go on for years unable to have a healthy sex life. Unhealthy relationships. Some are just downright scared to be with a partner.

But some women do get over the abuse. They are able to move on. They are able to realize that sex with the right partner or simply alone is ok.

Like me. As long as my kids aren’t around. There’s a time and a place.

It all comes down to the choices we make…

February 4, 2015

Choices…we all have to make them each and every day.   I learned at a VERY young age how to make choices…

Most people who know me know that I’m a competitive athlete and that I actually have some decent amount of talent.   How does one get so good at so many different sports and at such a young age?  Choices.  I didn’t grow up with electronics and cartoons were only available Saturday mornings and only on  a few channels.   Cable?  What’s that?  400 channels?  Are you kidding me?  Um no…deal with it.  But I did have a ball.  I could do anything with a  ball.  I can dribble it with my feet and my hands.  I can even throw a damn good spiral.  I can catch too.  And I can kick a 40 yard field goal.   Now, I can even ice skate and play hockey.  I’m not lighting the world on fire with all my athletic skills but I know one thing.  It came down to me making a choice.  Here were my options, stay inside and continue to be molested or go outside and play with a ball (you know…that 3 dimensional thing that’s not on my tv or video game–not that that was even an option back then).  So I became really good with any sport.  Because that choice was far better than the other.

However, one time I really wanted this backpack with the school logo on it.  I remember bringing the permission slip  home and needing a parents’ signature.  My mother wasn’t home because she worked as a dietitian at the local hospital in Kentucky.   Not sure where my sister was but my step father said he would sign it if and I quote, “if you lick me.”  Let’s pause here for a moment.  I had already been on all 4’s while he ejaculated all over me.  So what do I do here?  I really want the back pack.

CHOICES…there’s that word again.   I really want it.  It’s no big deal.  Just put your mouth on it and the back pack is yours….DONE!  CHOICE HAS BEEN MADE.

So, I gave my first blow job a the tender age of 8.  My 11 and 12 year old girls don’t even know what a blow job is MUCH LESS HAVE THEY EVER GIVEN ONE!  GAG!!!  Seriously…GAG.

If you want something in life, you really gotta sink your teeth into it.  OK.  Bad pun.  REALLY BAD PUN.

Writing this is so fucking dismal.  Even I am disgusted.  No romancing this part of history.  Look what I learned at such a young age.  Horrific.

Luckily, my girls have never experienced this.  And, with any luck, never will.  But there are girls and women out there everyday faced with this and it’s numbing to know they have no choice.  But they do.

Nobody ever talked about this silent crime.  EVER.  Now, I make it a point to tell my girls to NEVER let a person touch them.  EVER.  If a man ever touched my girls or my boys, I would cut off his dick and feed it in pieces to him.   I can never really figure out why my mother would let that  man sit across the table from me knowing what he did.  What the fuck is wrong with her?  What is wrong with any woman who lets a man touch her daughter and does nothing?  What am I missing?  Why am I so angry?  To this day.  Anger.  Hate.  Resentment.  Shame.

Do you know what it’s like to be somebody’s dirty secret?  I do.  Tomorrow.  I’m off to make good choices today.  There have been questionable ones I have made in the past few years since my sexual liberation–my trifecta of sexual liberation–turning 40, child molester dying, and getting a divorce.  Oh, the webs we weave….