In the past, I would do horrific things like throw hockey pucks through balcony windows…yep…did that to the doctor’s house…he gave them back to me and said, “I believe these are yours.” The rage and the anger were defining me. Engulfing me. Steering me.
This time is different. I’m numb. And, it’s not the pills making me numb. Cause I don’t take them any more. No rage. No anger. Just complete sadness. He sent flowers thanking me for an amazing year. That’s it. Ok….And???? I found your new home. I remodeled your new home. I gave you the courage to get a new life. I held your hand through it all. I cared for you more than you’ve ever been cared for (except your mother). I just don’t get it. Why give 120%? Why ever put it out there?
But I have 4 children and I coach and I’m building myself a house and I’ve got my hockey and my yoga and all my crazy friends. I have a life that needs me to get the fuck up each day and make a difference. Make decisions. Care for 4 little people who need me to be there. Be present. But I have to grieve this loss. This tremendous loss. The loss of a lover, a friend, a confidant. When we grieve at this age, not only are we grieving the current loss, but the accumulation of all the losses we have ever experienced. Those losses either define us, make us stronger, or impair us. A lot of loss has accumulated over the past 45 years. How do you grieve at inconvenient times? Alone in the shower? So, that’s 15 minutes a day, I can cry to myself. I guess that’s all the time I have to get through this. A year with him and I only get 15 minutes a day to let it out.
Pain is pain. Pain is real. Pain has to be dealt with. Pain through numbness. Surely, that is an oxymoron, no?
I will get up each day and put one foot in front of the other and do my best to be present and simply let the tears fall where and when they may. One day this numbness will wear off…