I need a vacation…

 

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from my fucking mind…going to Tampa next week for my over 40 hockey tournament…maybe I can just leave my mind  in Dallas…if only…a lobotomy would help…

no matter where I go, I’m always here…running a million miles a minute…if I dare stop, someone might just catch me and abuse me…well…not really…but victims of abuse tend to have their guard up…constantly…how the hell do you ever trust another human being…EVER?  I feel it’s much harder to hit a  moving target…so…I’m always moving…

I just need peace…peace in my fucked up mind…just stop…stop thinking of someone who is incapable of loving me the way I deserve to be loved.  Do victims of abuse ever fully feel they deserve love?  Seriously?  Why am I even asking that question?  All HUMANS deserve love.  Period.  However, I mean a real, mature, healthy kind of love.  At this point, my parents certainly aren’t giving me that.  No man (up to this point) has given me anything substantial.  There’s only one person left in the room standing.  Me.  How the fuck do I learn to love myself when nobody else can, did or even tried?  What comes first?  The chicken or the egg?  Can we ever be loved if we don’t first love ourselves?  How do we love ourselves if our parents never taught us?  Showed us?   Engaged us?  Loved us unconditionally?  What the fuck am I doing loving a man who doesn’t love me?  What the fuck is wrong with me?  Why do I go back?  Begging for his love?  A friend of mine just sent me an article about the science behind  a broken heart.  Not only do we need emotional connection to survive, but the scientists realized that a loving human connection is more powerful than the most basic survival tool we have…fear….think about that…our need for love is more important than our need to survive.  Take it away and we all go into a tailspin.

This is soooooooo fucking pathetic.  Wanda, wake up!!!!  Life is passing you by and your head is up your ass!  Get your head above water…BREATHE….

Done.  I have made a decision.  I am cutting all ties and moving on from the man incapable of loving this tremendous gift put right in front of him.  . For u can knowingly rant about nothing…doing yourself not one damn bit of good.

I need a clean slate.  I need to purge.  Rid myself of my demons.  Anyone out there knowledgeable in exorcisms?   That may help…

Going on 1190 next Tuesday at 6am  to talk about how being abused affects your relationships as an adult.  The affects are many but the effects are ever lasting.

Immediately after, I will be getting that lobotomy….on my vacation…