Finding Hope in Long Lost Love Letters…

I’ve always been told I was an accident. Ummm…I was the result of failed birth control. Failure to put it in. Details… Anyhow, thanks Mom. I feel much better about my existence now.

Until the other day … my relationship with that woman (my mother) is strained … to say the least. I have almost zero respect for her. ┬áSeriously … who stays with a man who molests her daughter? Clearly, someone I don’t respect. Compassion wasn’t something learned in my family. But I do have some. Not much but some. My brother and I felt it was time for her to move out of her house and into an independent living home. Her Alzheimer’s is getting worse. My compassion for her is almost nil. Emotionally. But my wise mind tells me this woman can no longer live (safely) in her home. Alone. She needs help. She needs human interaction. She needs compassion. And, she’s not getting much from me. So the smartest thing to do is move her where she can get more care than she’s getting at her house. Read More

Apology NOT accepted…

bait
May 12, 2015

The roller coaster I have been on the past 13 months has been extremely painful. But there is a flipside. Extremely joyful. Thus the roller coaster. What makes a person take that leap of faith in love? What inside you says, it’s time to be vulnerable. Time to let the walls down? Is it chemistry? The sex? What? The witty banter? 7 Billion people out there and I chose him to completely expose all of my vulnerabilities.

Was it worth the ride? How does one feel about giving her all and getting scraps in return? Not exactly a decent ROI (return on investment…sorry…my finance degree making an appearance in this blog!).

So, after all the pain and suffering and supreme dopamine highs, I got an apology. I told him to own up to using me during Christmas. Text at beginning of December…”Well, the holidays get really busy for me…so have a great holiday.” That’s code for leave me the fuck alone. A week before Christmas…”she has asked me to join them in Germany with her family for the holidays. I’m booking my flight now.” I kid you not…5 days before Xmas…”that bitch said I couldn’t go because her boyfriend was there. Fuck her. Want to spend Xmas with me?” Of course I do. I’m in love with you. I’ll do whatever you want because I love you. I’m here for you. I’m that woman. We spend Xmas together. He tells me he loves me. He holds my hand in front of his parents on Christmas day. We feed the homeless. Taking care of business (errr…time fill). We spend New Year’s together with all my friends. AMAZING time. In love. Again. He is present.

Two weeks later at a Cowboy game, “I feel nothing for you.” I’m sorry. What? Wow. How the fuck do you go from “I love you” to “I feel nothing for you?” I react. I come out swinging. My emotions are all over the map. This man who tells me he loves me and then takes it all back. Who the fuck does that?

In. Out. Up. Down. I’m holding on tight to this roller coaster. Trying not to get sick.

Two weeks later, we plan spring break with all our kids.

Two weeks later, he fucks another woman and gets something. Yep. And, of course, I sleep with him. I love him. Remember?

We go on spring break together and have a great time with our kids. He doesn’t touch me. Remember, he got something and doesn’t want me to know. All I know is he won’t touch me. Boy, am I confused? That ended in a disaster.

In. Out. Up. Down. I’m holding on tight to this roller coaster. Trying not to get sick. Yes. I just repeated myself.

Back from hell (I mean spring break) and we start seeing each other again. Remember, I love him and I’m here for him. I want a life with this man.

Soooooo…..after 13 months of the BS, I call him out…He admits to using me during Xmas for his “own selfish needs.” That he hasn’t been honest with his feelings. I pursue. Like I always do. What does that mean? I “mean the world to him” but he doesn’t love me. He only called me at Xmas cause he was lonely and I was there. I was always there and he needed a “confidant.” When I helped him buy his house, not only did I remodel it, I got down on my hands and knees and cleaned out his bathroom. I arranged his entire closest. So fucked up….

Ahhhhhhh……

I was used merely for time fill. But, hey, he apologized for using me. Am I supposed to feel better because of the apology?

Take your apology and shove it up your ass. I loved you. I gave you 120% and you used me and threw me away. Constantly. And when the loneliness set in, you came back. You couldn’t be a bigger coward. I loved you wholeheartedly. For the right reasons. And you used me. For your own admitted selfish needs.

Hope that apology makes you feel better. You will never know a woman like this again.