I want freedom (of speech)…but with a safety net

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April 19, 2015

Freedom.  Who doesn’t want it?  Freedom with a safety net?  Or freedom with boundaries.  Boundaries…we all need them.  We crave them.  We can’t live without them.  You.  Me.  My kids.  Your kids.  Boundaries make us feel safe.

But I’m always pushing my boundaries.  I go to the edge.  I look over and I wonder.  What if?  What if I jump?  Do I go head first or feet first?  What will catch me at the bottom?  I want to jump to feel the exhilaration of it.  But not at the risk of losing my life.  Thus the safety net.  Is it down there at the bottom for me?  Waiting to catch me after I impulsively jump?  Yep.  You guessed it.  I tend to be impulsive.  Not even thinking of the consequences.  Luckily, I’ve always had a safety net to catch me.  The safety net catches the brunt of the fall.  Like my ex husband.  He caught the brunt of many of my falls.  I suppose, in a way, he still does.  My impulsivity is still there but not nearly as often as it used to be.

Last year, my daughter accused another 5th grader of stealing a necklace.  The mother called my ex and chewed him out.  Rightfully so, perhaps.  We, in turn, chewed out our 5th grader for accusing a child of doing something that wasn’t done.  Tough lesson learned.  Well…the mother wasn’t done.  She then texted my daughter and told her she was wrong and “why would you do that to a good Christian girl?”  Oh God.  Another one of them.  You know…where good and Christian somehow needs to be reinforced.  I was dumbfounded.  The nerve!  I couldn’t pick this woman out of a crowd of 2.  And she is texting my daughter.  It gets better.  She then goes on to text me to tell me how I needed to punish my daughter.  Ok.  Let me be very clear with you.  My kids screw up.  I call them out.  I make them own it.  (I am NOT that mother that says “my child would never do that.”  Those parents drive me crazy.  Another parent in denial about their perfect child.  NOT ME!)  So….after  she texted me, I had had enough.  Don’t tell me how to punish my child.  Already did that.  My daughter royally screwed up.  She called the child and apologized.  They made up.  Done.  If only…Of course, me and  my mouth intervened.   My mouth…you know the one.  The free falling, impulsive idiot–however, net is ready to catch me.  I told the mother she needed to do herself a favor and get laid.  (Perhaps that would calm her nerves).   She then threatened to call the police.  Great!  But I don’t think they are in the business of fucking lonely HP housewives.  Still haven’t seen her.  To this day.

But the bigger question is, what would possess me to say such a thing to a woman I’ve never even met?  Why be so impulsive?  Why be an asshole?  I guess my safety net was in place.  My ex.  He took the brunt of that blow.  Again.  Every time this mouth opens, he gets a phone call.  You can stop being my safety net.  But thank you for being that net for so many years….

I need to be my own safety net.  I need to be less impulsive.  I need to think before I jump.  But I want freedom.  But I need boundaries.  I need to feel safe.  How do you jump without a net?  How do you ever feel free?  With a net?  Without one?