Analyzing and assholes…yes…one is the derivative of the other…

IMG_3098“Mom, you need to skate harder.” That’s what my 9 year old told me when I was getting off the ice the other day. The disdain on his face. I was horrified. My heart rate is off the charts. The only thing I can concentrate on is breathing. And that’s involuntary. In other words, I don’t have to think to breathe. My body just does it. Never mind having my personal game being analyzed! I’m not listening. That takes effort. The only effort I can exert at this point is to breathe. Just breathe. Of course, when I score, he is the one screaming the loudest. Cheering the hardest. A proud son. “That’s my mom!”

Sound familiar? That’s us. As parents. So obnoxious. Please. For the love of God…shut your pie hole! Stop yelling at your kids, the refs, the umps, the other kids, the other parents, the coaches. Just stop. Stop analyzing the game. Don’t be that asshole.

I’m not sure who’s worse. Volleyball parents. Football parents. Soccer parents. Hockey parents. Basketball parents. The list goes on and on and on… I’ve watched hundreds of games over the years. What goes on during the sidelines is far more interesting. But it shouldn’t be. We’re supposed to be there cheering on our kids. Not analyzing them. Good grief. Not sure who is worse. The parent who played and “knows” everything or the parent who never played and still “knows” everything.

Two years ago, a mother of another teammate of my daughter was yelling at her daughter for missing a volleyball serve. So, I asked her how many years she played volleyball. Knowing full well she never did. Yes. I was exercising my right to put her in her place. But I wanted to hear it out of her mouth. So after she said she never played (imagine the shock on my face…), I quizzically looked at her for berating her daughter for missing her serve. Have you ever stood on a court with every eye on you watching you? Waiting for you to miss. That’s a lot of pressure for a 10 year old. So lay off. ESPECIALLY, if you have NEVER stood there with all eyes watching you. Judging you. Then cheering when you miss. Seriously?

That’s another asshole issue. I get you’re happy your team won the point but you won it on an error from the other team not from some well played offensive play from your team. In my book, you win the point when your team does something to make that happen. You merely gain the point when the other team makes an error. Learn the difference when you decide to yell and “cheer” for you team’s point. So stop. It’s obnoxious. Just stop.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m my kids’ biggest fan. But I need to keep this in check. Seriously.

Why is the root word of analyze “anal?” And why does anal refer to assholes? We are all guilty of analyzing our kids’ games. How they played. How it was coached. How the refs missed this and that. Yada Yada Yada. All of us. Me included. But when my son feels the need to analyze my play, I’m stumped. And it really makes me pause. Makes me question my behavior. Why the hell am I doing this to him? Exactly, what do I have to gain doing this to him?

Why are any of us doing this to our kids? Don’t be that asshole.

Side note to all hockey parents…

The best part of hockey is the glass. When I’m on the ice, I can’t hear anything. And neither can your kid. So go on yacking. I can’t hear a word you say. You just look like an analyzing asshole (sorry…I’m being redundant!) anyway. But I have seen parents yelling at their kids through the tiny strip of air between the glass where the Zamboni enters the ice. Very entertaining watching them yell thru a tiny 1/2″ gap. Yep. Entertaining and Absurd. Don’t be that asshole unless you want me to blog about you.

Can’t we all just get along?

March 24, 2015

So, my ex and I took our son, our youngest, to a Mavs game with 5 of his friends. Yep. Me and him. A year and a half after our divorce was final. Is this normal behavior? To get along? To put your children’s needs before your own? What’s wrong with us? We don’t fight in front of them. (most days, anyway). We don’t even follow our divorce decree. Week on. Week off. Nope. As a matter of fact, when we got back to his house after the game, we asked the kids, whose house do you want to sleep at tonight? Is this too laid back? Are we giving the kids too much power? Or are we simply making it easier for them to make decisions? I really don’t know. This is just how we do it.

This I do know. Our kids fight. They jockey for position. They hug me. They hug their dad. They don’t cause trouble at school. They do their work. They follow the rules. They occasionally screw up. They don’t do drugs nor drink ( even tho my oldest loves to take several sips of my drinks). They aren’t posting pics of their bongs on instagram. Yep. Saw one of those yesterday. So glad I’m not dealing with that. My oldest is not exactly in the “in” crowd. Thank god! A late bloomer. I couldn’t be happier!

Most of my friends in second marriages are still trying to figure it all out. I’m in NO RUSH to get married again. Don’t get me wrong. I want a partner in life whom I can share life’s ups and downs with but I’m in no rush. The stories of my friends dealing with their husband’s ex wives is horrifying. One of the exes was so incredibly selfish that she wouldn’t pick up her daughter’s cleats because she didn’t want to step foot near her ex husband’s and new wife’s home. So….my friend’s husband had to leave his job 20 miles away to deliver the cleats to her school because his selfish ex wife couldn’t be bothered to drive 3 blocks to get her those damn cleats. Three fucking blocks. Seriously? Get over yourself. Take care of your kids. I could write more stories about these selfish parents who put their pride and self righteous bullshit before their children. You think those kids have issues???? Of course they do. Kids know when their parents are assholes. But, hey, put a check in the win column for her. She made her ex leave work. Get over selfish, lazy self. I’ve had it with these people. They are in constant denial. Their ex left them so they will show them. Sounds like my fucking mother. 45 years and I still hear the comments. Mothers, please note. If your ex left you, he left you. Not the kids. Learn the difference and shut the fuck up. Keep it to yourself and god forbid, you share your misled opinion with your clueless children. WTF is wrong with you?

Enough already. Can’t we all just get a long. What good does being a selfish parent do anyway? You’re really fucking your kids. Is it really worth it?